12/4/2025

T, Mi Amor,

Right now I feel like singing that song Voices by Cheaptrick, the one which starts with – Hey! It’s me again. Cause here I am, back again stitching together words and syllable in a very unique way. The way that makes you feel warm and safe and cherished and understood.

I wanted to write to you today to share what happened from the events this morning. When I went for my run I was just in the zone you know. I love it. It’s almost as good as therapy for me. And it was at the halfway mark that i gathered up all the courage and then borrowed some to call you. Because that’s what I promised you last night – that I wont hesitate.

I know we talked a lot about this yesterday about why i potentially hesitate. And today i had a little bit more clarity. Through all the words, the gestures, the thoughtfulness and love that i shower you, you see a version of me. Ace who is a wonderful writer, Ace who is so wonderful at making me feel special, Ace who can pick the most meaningful gifts, Ace who loves me like no one in the world ever did before. That is the version of me that I will always bring forth to you. No doubt. But that is not the ONLY part of me. There is Ace the divorcee, Ace the single dad, Ace the man who is fighting tooth and nail for what is right.

That second portion of me, is really messy. I think the best likeness that i can provide is that I am a farmer. In the evenings, it’s wonderful, I am back home after a tiring day and im fresh out of the shower and i smell good and I put great food on the table. But that comes with me spending the days clearing out the field and getting my hands dirty and planting what I need to, to ensure that everything else continues the way it should.

There is a saying in Kannada – Kaiyalli kesaru adre bayalli mosaru.

I guess that hesitation that I had? It came from showing you how exactly messy those other portions of my life are. Ofcourse it goes without saying that all of that is not the portion that I expect you to deal with or have to solve for. But you need to be aware of it because it’s a part of my life. And if WE are going to build our lives together then we are marrying not just the best of us but the rest of us.

When I called you today? I just laid it all out there. I didn’t think about how i should tell you and what i should tell you. I just told you. And i know i caught you at a crazy time too, when you are at work. And for sure I didn’t expect you to be able to talk to me then about it which is why I came mentally prepared to say – ok she’s going to need a minute to talk to me but I think its important for me to tell her and not filter this out.

And here’s the thing. You didn’t rush to solve or fix or even say anything, but the moment I did babe, i felt like this whole weight just got off from my chest. Someone once said to me – vulnerability is the very core part of a relationship. And when vulnerability comes out into the open and is received with openness, it becomes like cement. That’s a strong foundation for you to build the relationship on. But if you are vulnerable and that is met with judgement or criticism then it becomes like quicksand. Because it is just going to suck you in and kill you.

I think that second part is the reason why most relationships die.

After I told you, I kept running and running. I think i must have hit about 500 meters straight without slowing down, I was just so liberated. I remember I saw these two guys in their running shoes and for the first time I smiled. And I got a smile back.

And right when this whole feeling was peaking the words that came on in my AirPods were –

The cycle repeated

As explosions broke in the sky

All that I needed

Was the one thing I couldn’t find

And you were there at the turn

Waiting to let me know

We’re building it up to break it back down

We’re building it up to burn it down

We can’t wait to burn it to the ground

Linkin park for me has been the sacred place where i find myself in the spaces between the words. It takes me back to that time when i formed myself and carved myself out of a block of coal. Which is why i love them. And the core part of this song is so wonderful – it’s about destroying what holds you hostage, even if you helped build it.

And I think this is exactly what I am doing. If i need to build all of this up, I need to burn everything else to the ground. The phoenix can only be reborn in the ashes. And i will be reborn, and i will rise again, purer, stronger and more than anything that I could ever imagine I was capable of being.

You know how I kept saying to you – dont ever leave me I dont know what I would do without you? Today is when i realise what kind of a shitty statement and thought that was. Obviously it goes without saying that I want to build our life together and do the whole nine yards – the house, the white picket fence, the kids, the family dinners and the crazy vacations and all of that. But when i said this to you I said it from a place of fear. I think it came across as me making you feel – oh god i have to stay otherwise this guy will be destroyed. And i dont think that’s any reason for anyone to stay.

The craziest part? After this whole thing happened and we were chatting, I could sense the discomfort, the disgust and all of those emotions you were going through. And you were kind enough to tell me – i dont want to scare you but all of this could be too much for me. And you are right. It’s too much for anyone to handle. It’s just that familiarity brings comfort. Like imagine the first ever time you saw blood. That must have been a crazy experience. But now? It’s like – ok yea there’s blood, how do we find the wound and stitch it up. It’s response not reaction. Just that same way I was able to respond and not react to the situation that happened.

When I was talking to Sam once last year i said to her – loving someone means giving them the power to destroy you but trusting they wont.

And she said right back without missing a beat – no, that’s where you are wrong. If Drew stopped loving me, id be disappointed for sure, and id be devastated for sure, but he wouldn’t ever be able to destroy me. Because I know who I am without him and I will still love myself without him. His love adds to my life and not defines it.

Until today I had no idea what that meant or how one could ever love like that. I think I always thought of love being a very highly powerful destructible force. Because it always did destroy me in the past.

But even when all of the conversation happened today with everything we were talking about, I was surprised with how calm I was. I mean yes I can handle crisis very well, that’s a given. But i think the thing that surprised me was I was calm when I didn’t panic at your reaction to everything that had happened. An older version of me would have done some overextended correction and reassurance to make you stay. I would have dug my claws into your skin so that you wouldn’t leave. But this time, it was quite the opposite. I let the grip loose, so that you can choose to find your way back to me. Because if you dont do it out of your own will, then is it even real any more?

I think the part of me that changed was the part that looked at the light and not at the shadow.

When you said – can you stop telling people about us? I read it as – This is precious for me and i want us to be protected.

When you said – I feel so disgusted. I read it as – I’m disgusted by what is happening and not disgusted by you (me).

When you said – this is all a bit too much for me. I read it as – I’m overwhelmed. I can’t process this level of intensity. I need to step back to feel safe again.

So just like that, I became a little bit steadier, I became a little bit more grounded and I became a little bit comfortable in my own skin and being myself when I am with you. And in doing so, for the second time this year, within the first few days of the month beginning I achieved what I had manifested.

This is me. All of me. The best of me and the rest of me.

And I love you. For all of you. The best of you and the rest of you.

And I’m here and steady and ready to hold your hand and walk the rest of the way whatever might come.

Love Forever and Always,

XOXO,

A