12/10/2025

T, Mi Amor,

I know you haven’t been able to read the past three letters I’ve written for you and I want to say, it’s okay. I know that your are battling multiple fronts right now and these letters, while they offer solace and comfort, are like a good cup of tea – to be savoured and not devoured. So I know you will get to the rest when you do. That being said, I don’t want to stop doing something that gives me such immense joy – writing… for YOU.

While i wrote that first paragraph, it made me think of something about our relationship. You know when we started talking? Day 1 itself. It was a Sunday. And every time that I had to step away from our conversation I said to you something along the lines of – BRB, having lunch.. etc. and you also went – BRB, gotta attend to something… etc. You are the first person in my life who ever did that. It was always me who did it. And I did so for two reasons – one is because its polite, but more importantly whenever I was communicating to someone who meant something to me, I wanted the to know that I’m attuned to that conversation.

And I think for the longest time that we both continued that hyper-attuned way of communication. But one of the things I realised is that now we have pivoted more towards communication after rather than before. Like we tend to come back and say – hey baby, i was doing this… what’s up. And I bring this up because I think it’s a wonderful shift we had from communicating availability to settling into comfort. Like we know the other person wont misunderstand it to be lack of presence. Somewhere along the way, our conversations stopped feeling like something we were managing… and became something we were living in. And I love that ❤️.

I also love how we got these little routines created. Like I know you will always call me at around 7:43 AM daily when you are walking from the main gate to your building. And I know you will call me around 4:03 PM when you are walking out and about to board your cab. And I know you talk to Vilas about studies and stuff and then call me again at around 5 when you are walking into your home. These conversations have sorta become little anchors for me throughout the day. And Ofcourse I love our night time calls. I look forward to that the most throughout my day. Like as I move through the day I look at – hmmmmmm how awesome is tonight’s conversation going to be. I have so much to tell her.

I guess I’m trying to say – I like that we are forming into our own sort of couple. ❤️❤️

I couldn’t write to you yesterday, cause its been a crazy one and I didn’t really want to do this when I was burn out because then the essence of why i do this would be diluted. So I waited until the right time that I had some peace to be able to put pen to paper to write this for you. The song that carries the essence in today’s pages is Mirrors by JT. I head it on the way from office to home yesterday and it made me think of you. And I’ll tell you why. But before that a little detour to walk you down memory lane.

Up until the 10th grade I was a good student (good not great, I was no where close to you 😘). And I think for the largest time that became a core part of what everyone saw in me. I mean I was naturally smart you know, but I don’t think very many people saw beyond the grades I scored. I think the only people who did was Mrs U my class teacher who was the first to recognise and appreciate my writing. And the second was Vidya who allowed me to grow into myself, well for the most part. And Ofcourse you. Who saw me for what I was really worth. Like every child in this country, I geared up in my 11th grade for the rat race of answering entrance exams and becoming an engineer. Because that’s what my dad wanted me to do. I remember I used to have college from 08 AM to 1 PM daily and then coaching classes from 02 PM to 08 PM daily. And the Tutorials on the weekends on Saturday and Sunday. Gruelling would be an undersell to what that experience was like. And I think I hated it most because it just pigeon holed me into what the world wanted me to be and just snuffed that creative light in me for the longest time. It was in the mid of 12th grade that I just cracked. I could not continue that any more. So i begged and cried and left the coaching classes that i used to attend after college. Biggest surprise? Two other guys quit just after me. So I always feel happy that I inspired someone to be courageous to do what they wanted to. And Ofcourse I studied on my own and did my best. But it was 4 months prior to my board exams and the entrance exams and I failed miserably. 12th boards I scored 49% falling short by 3 marks to hit 50 and meet minimum criteria for admissions in most states. And entrance exams I didn’t get a rank good enough to get a good seat in the stream of my choice. Devastated. Humiliated. Ashamed. Broken. That’s how I was. I remember till this day. The moment the board results came out, I ran to my system to login and put it on. Mom and dad were standing behind me and I scrolled down and saw that the total was. I dont think my body has ever gone that cold. The blood drained from every single organ and disappeared. I dont even know where it went cause I couldn’t feel anything I was totally numb. I started to cry and ran to my bedroom and closed the door buried myself under my blanket and cried. I cried like I had never cried before. Like breathing stopping kind of crying. I dont think either mom or dad came to comfort me then. I just cried alone for a few hours.

Eventually I stopped. But every time i took a breath i kept getting staggered intakes because i wasn’t still over it. That night the TV was on and I was eating my food on the sofa. Mom and dad were sitting on the other side. Suddenly dad asked – Yen aitappa idu marks?. I broke down again. I ran and threw the plate into the sink and ran into my room and cried myself to sleep. The craziest thing happened the next day. All my relatives had driven down to Goa. They stayed for a week. We did all sorts of great fun things. And they left. And after they did, for the three months till college started, every single day my dad broke me. Reminding me of how I had fucked up. My dad never let me forget how I had fucked up. To this day I see the same expression in his eyes when he looks at me. The one which says, beneath everything how he sees me – a failure.

It was years later that I got to know what had happened. Mom had called V and told her what had happened. And V immediately got everyone to come down. She had videos recorded on the old camcorders where the cassettes were titled – Ace’s cheer up trip. She had organised for everyone to come down at a moments notice to cheer me up. It was only Vidya who knew what I was going through and what I needed. No one else did.

Damn, I didn’t realise I had such pent up emotions about that still.

That day when I got my 12th board results was probably the day I realised how love was given to me. Your performance deems worthiness of love. And that day I internalised it. Every single day that followed I lived up to it – tried to be the best student, failed. Tried to be the best son, failed. Tried to be the best nephew, failed. Tried to be the best employee, succeeded. Tried to be the best husband, failed. Tried to be the best father, failed. Tried to be the best and i failed. I kept chasing worthiness in every role life handed me. And every time I stumbled, I thought it meant I was the stumble. And eventually I realised something. If you live your life long enough, you wont be the best at everything that you attempt to do. You can only do your best, but that doesn’t mean that you will be the best at it. It took me 35 years to break down that belief.

And that my dear sweet girl is why I thought about you when I heard Mirrors. You don’t just reflect me… you reflect the version of me I never thought I could become. Not only are you the only other soul who knows what it is like to be loved for the things that you do, you broke my pattern that i was used to. You remember what I journaled after the first day of us talking? I said that I held my breath when the messages were in “sent” because that’s when i thought you had left. After I told you everything about me. The core parts of what I was made of. I honestly didn’t think that you would have stayed after that time. Which is also why I know it’s so scary for you too. Because you know I reflect back that same sort of presence to you.

‘Cause I don’t wanna lose you now….

I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me…

The vacancy that sat in my heart…

Is a space that now you hold…

Love Forever & Always,

XOXO,

A