11/11/2025

T,

Believe it or not, I started to draft this letter on the 4th of November. But I could just not complete all of it because I was so caught in falling in love with you. So Iv’ve highlighted what was before we became us. And what was after.

*****Dated 11/4********

It’s been 10 days since we had our first interaction and wow, I’m just so pleasantly surprised with how all of this turned out. To think that this one began with something as obscure and raunchy and obnoxious as a landing strip. Lol.

I think of all the connections that I have experienced in my life, the ones that have been serendipitous are the ones which have had the biggest impact on me.

But the one thing that I also learned was that, like shooting starts, they were all fleeting. They were there and then they weren’t. You would’ve missed them if you blinked.

Before you, my initial interactions were plagued with anxiety, shame, secrecy and constant worry. But when I spoke to you, even on day 1. I was just completely myself. It was so light, playful and comfortable. It was…. Home. Like good old friends catching up after being apart for a long time.

That second night when we cut our conversation over to Signal and texted so late into the night, I had this feeling. My heart felt a cocktail of emotions. It was excitement, driven by the rush of something new. It was happiness of experiencing connection after being devoid of it for so long. Like a solitary drop of water that fell onto the parched sand but when it did, it created an oasis. It was also anxiety because I have only known that everything is ephemeral.

*****Dated 11/10********

I have/had this vision of my end. I lace up my shoes. I take the mahogany walking stick and start to trot on the beach towards the bench on the pier. Diego jumps and trots slowly behind me. I sit there on the bench and I watch the sun go down. And at that very moment, Diego whines and rests his muzzle on my knee. He knows that my time in the sun has come to an end too. That’s how I saw myself going from this world.

I closed my eyes today to think of that moment. And it was all the same. But at that moment on the bench, I felt someone’s warm hands holding my wrinkled ones. I realize now that it is you. And the only difference is that I dont go slowly into the night. I dont slip into obscurity cold and alone. But I stand up and we walk back home together. The home we built.

As I think of this and I think of you, I am overwhelmed by emotion. It was on 15th of August I wrote this entry into my Journal:

Everyone is Ephemeral….

Ok, so this entry was following up with something of a recommendation that came through from a reflection from yesterday. About a very deep and dark desire – For someone to say “I choose you forever”.

Ever since i was a kid, I was always “loved” by everyone. Helpful, obedient, happy, never throwing a fuss, useful. I think I checked all these boxes so people gave me their love. Mom, Dad, Grandpa, St, V. I think these were the first adult figures that I can think of who made me feel loved. At least that’s what I thought it was.

But then I realised at some point that they loved me because I served a purpose. Without the purpose, they felt no desire to love me. So what I did was to double down on it. I gave more hoping they would love me because they saw me as useful again. Until a point came where there were some things that I didn’t primally agree with and hence I made some hard choices on what I wanted for me. And that’s when it just shut out. No matter what I did after that I never got their love again.

I remember how I used to feel so jealous of The Rapper. Because V loved him unconditionally. Still does. I mean he literally almost killed S. Yet she stood by him. The worst crime I committed was that I failed at a subject that didn’t fit into my definition of me. And I was lambasted for it. I was chastised and whipped into shape. She loved me for who I could be and would never let me stray and forget it.

Dad thought I would make him proud. By checking all these boxes that he conjured up in his mind as society moulded into him what success should look like. And when i failed, he cut me loose.

Mom didn’t even know how to fight for love. She is probably the one person whom I wont hold all of this against. Because she is me. Without the grit and becoming. So I’ll give her a pass. Because she’s just as soft and I know the degree of difficulty it is for someone who is soft to become strong.

For Grandpa and St I served a purpose. When they were in the hospital. When they couldnt drive. When they couldnt cook. I served. And when I didn’t serve them any more, they left.

Then came The Teacher, who wouldn’t take a chance to love me, cause she had her life “mapped” out. Rich husband, status, all those things. I didn’t fit the bill.

Liv, who probably came close, but just couldnt choose me because she had assessed the odds and it didn’t fit into her dynamic of how life would play out. So she cut me loose too.

The Accountant was just another form of The Teacher.

Peacock was probably the worst out of the lot. I served her a purpose – safety, emotional comfort, family. She squeezed until the last drop of my blood came out for her. And then she showed her true colors.

Penny loved being loved by me. It made her feel love the way she always wanted to. But it didn’t serve her well to take a chance to leave and walk out with me. Because her life was just too perfect for her to rock the boat.

Walter stood by me at my time of need. But once the storm cleared so did he. He was more important to me than I was to him. I didn’t factor into his life to be important enough to hold a place.

The Counsellor stood by me too. But I was just another broken soul that she fixed. A feather in her cap. Which is why I know that if you remove the proximity out of it this “friendship” will die too.

I have this vision. Like one of those time lapses playing. I am just standing there. Seasons change, people come and go. Houses change. I think the only time I change my stance is when I am holding Nemo’s hand but he too will go away one day.

At this point in my life. I don’t have an emergency contact. I haven’t for a long time. And the way things are playing out and the fact that I am now almost 36 and don’t have a single soul who texts me first rather than the other way around goes to show that In this life, I am the one who will not be given an opportunity to be loved like that.

And that makes me sad. Cause all I ever wanted was to be chosen. Unconditionally. To be seen fully and totally naked and still have people stay because they loved me for me. Flaws and all.

Somewhere in some movie there was a quote which said – life is the worst thing that can happen to a human being.

I think the only reason why I just haven’t died is because I chose myself. I chose to comfort myself without knowing it.

Like how Swamy left the paper boat in the stream and watched it disappear, I put all my desires of being chosen and loved and let it go.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I really dont know how I went from that to where we are now. I found you. And you gave me something that I had shut down for the longest time. Hope. Hope that someone will love me. Flaws and all.

You make me feel valued. You make me feel loved. You make me feel joy. You make me happy.

This maybe the first time we celebrate a birthday together, but I think it will be the first of many.

So here is a Tulip for my Tulip. Consider it a symbol of my love for you that will never die.

I hope that on the cold nights when you feel far from me, you can hug yourself and feel my warmth and how I smell.

I hope our love never runs out of electricity, the way your phone might LOL.

I hope this ring of protection encompasses you so you never have to be hurt again.

I hope your tired and aching feet feel young and pink and soft like your first day in this beautiful world of ours.

I hope your life never looses sweetness (and maybe a little nutty sweetness).

I hope these little cards will light the long and winding road that we travel and illuminate our path with love.

Happy Birthday my dear sweet T.

Everything is pointless without you.

Love forever and always,

A