11/26/2025

My sweet little T,

I have kind of started to look forward to these moments of silence between us. Not because it is any easier for me to be away from you, but because every time this happens when you are buried in your books and i am skating the surfaces at work, I get time to organise my thoughts and communicate something to you in a way that is eloquent enough for you to fall back in love with me all over again.

And that my dear sweet girl, is exactly what i wanted to talk about today. I am not sure if you realised this or not, but when you stepped to eat in the evening to the time that you came back and commenced studying, I had sent a few messages. And one of them was – I’m sorry.

I didn’t provide any explanation or clarity on what it was that I was sorry for. But I hoped that I would have a way to explain it all when you did come back and ask me.

So here goes. I’m sorry that I’m not as good a boyfriend to you as I think that I actually am. I mean I know I am very thoughtful, and loving and caring and sweet and cute and ridiculously good looking (i mean for a 36 year old, come on!). But at the same time, I think that there are some demons inside of me that I sit and look at, and every once in a while, some of them rear their head and take over what I feel or even what I might say.

There’s a part that’s very deep inside me, interred right into my core which has a belief. And that belief is if I am not perfect to the T, then I am unworthy of love. I don’t want to dissect into why that belief exists. But it does. And it’s decades of patterns that exists to create that belief. And I tell you this not because I want you to comfort me or to fix, but rather for you to know that it is a part of me that I know exists, its a part of me that I am working on and its the part of me that might end up confusing you.

But I am telling you this so that you can see me a little bit more clearly and understand that this doesn’t come from a place of misplaced intentions. There are times when things get a little emotionally heavy. For you, for me, for us. And when it does i get scared that I will mess it up. And when I see that happening from my inner eye, I see you seeing things more clearly. I see you seeing how complicated it all is and how complicated I am and that arising from that I will lose you. It has nothing to do with you. In fact quite the opposite. And I am not asking you to fix this part of me or to do anything that will make it better. But I want you to know the truth from where my reactions come. It comes from this very deep place of care that I have for you. I see it like this, there’s a dark cave at the very center of who I am. And in that dark cave there is a pearl which emanates light. It always has. But it has only come to shine brighter. And I realised that the reason why it is shining brighter is the fact that I let another in. And that was you.

And having found this light that shined on everything else and illuminated the dark fields, I have come to fear losing it to. Because if that light disappears, then the whole world just plunges back into complete and absolute darkness. And it is all the more scary to be in the dark after you have seen the light.

But I think that the very core part of what I need to learn is to trust that love wont abandon me. To learn to trust that you are here to stay. To learn that all the blood on the floor leaked from wounds that are scars on my hands and that the only thing you have is your delicate caring hands soothing them as I learn to give myself to you once again.

I love you. You mean the world to me. And it ain’t going to be easy, but stick around a little and I promise you we will build a lifetime full of light.

Love Forever & Always,

XOXO,

A