12/26/2025

T, Mi Amor,

I don’t even know where to begin today as I sit to write this. I’m on the metro on the yellow line. And about 30 minutes away from the station closest to you. So I figured I’d sit to write.

Something really novel happened to me today. And I write to explain to you what it is. But before that some context. Because what good would the middle story be if I don’t setup the world with the beginning.

The past two days were somewhat ethereal. I mean has it really been two days? Wasn’t it like just an hour ago that I picked you up. And we were talking about Timothy Chalamet looking like Tatya Vinchu. The entire day until i came to pick you up just wouldn’t move you know. I was up at 5 with you and i got ready at like 630 in the morning. And I had like 8 hours to kill before i saw you. And as i burned the minutes it seemed like time was set to “dead slow”. I checked the clock like 10 times expecting hours to have passed but it didn’t seem to want to move.

And then it finally did until i came and saw you. And right at that moment it seems like the universe followed your cue to put the pace at 2x just like your Netflix account. And just like that 2 days went away in a blur.

I have these few images that remained.

The first hug. That full bodied one. Like clinging head to toe kind of hug.

That moment when you sat on top of me on the sofa as we kissed.

That moment when we saw each other buck naked for the first time. Drinking each other in. Memorising the bodies that we know would share a lifetime together.

That time when we sat across each other on the sofa and shared that plate.

That split second the next day when you were in my arms while we waited for the food to get delivered and stole that peaceful nap.

That crazy laugh at the bar when you got a little tipsy.

That moment in bed when you asked – why didn’t you hug me when i got mad?

And then finally that moment when you turned back and had that bitter sweet kinda smile as you disappeared into the hospital.

These were those unique moments that I can remember. They might add up to minutes I can count on my fingers. But where’d the rest of the time go? I just don’t know. It was over too soon.

And then this morning when i said bye and left i was solid. You know, like, steady. Like a surgeons hands. And I got home and went about my day.

But at this one moment when i was sitting on my bed I had this feeling. It was like a lead brick in the pit of my stomach. Just weighing like a million tons.

It wasn’t anxiety. Cause I’m just all too familiar with that having lived in it far longer than i should have.

This was something new to me you know. I swear I’ve never experienced this. So I did what i knew best. I sat with it. And let my mind do its thing. And then there was this moment that flashed before my eyes. I was in the car. In the passenger seat was Nemo. He was looking at me. And he said – I miss….. and his face just crumpled and he cried.

That’s when i knew what it was. My mind mirrored to me what I didn’t know so i could relate and connect the dots.

I missed you. And I was sad. Cause it hurt so bad to be away from you. Like I was breathing but the air became so rare that it wasn’t enough.

And that’s when I also realised something. Historically whenever I was with someone, whenever I was away, I’ve only experienced anxiety. Cause I was plagued by that fear of abandonment.

But with you, I just know you’re there. You’re not the kinda person to leave. At least not without a fight. So there is this sense of permanence I have, when I’m with you.

And that’s when I realised why it hurt so much. How can i be away from this kind of love? How is two days enough when one lifetime doesn’t seem to cut it?

So once i gathered myself and my thoughts i texted you. To tell you what I discovered. And as i did, the words i sent you brought the thoughts to reality. And oh babe when that happened. It was like a dam opened. Not in a destructive sort of way like when a dam breaks. But the slow kind or release. And I sat there for 5 minutes and I cried. I cried the first cry in 36 years for missing the true kind of love.

I don’t want to spend a second away from you like ever. I want to hold your hands and walk for miles. And I want to sleep with you in my arms. And then I want to wake up and do it again.

For the rest of my life.

Love Forever & Always,

XOXO,

A