1/2/2026

T, Mi Amor,

This is the first one of these I am doing in the New Year. So on paper (well digital paper) Happy New Year! And I think this is a perfect way to start because today I write to you about new beginnings.

I did a haphazard job of explaining myself today when it happened. Not because I didn’t know the right words, but rather because I didn’t know what really was happening inside of me. When something happens to me, my go to response is to externalise. To say it to someone… anyone… just to put reality to what is happening on the inside. And for about 2 months now, that someone… anyone… everyone… has been you. So when you asked me today – what’s wrong why are you sad, I just offloaded. But the catch is that I didn’t know what I was offloading.

I had time to sit with it. To dissect it. To peel back the layers until only one thing remained – truth. So here’s my (more eloquent) was of explaining what had happened.

Before that a slight walk down memory lane to help you understand a bit better. The tattoo had two orchids and a bumblebee. One orchid represented Penny, the other her daughter. And the bumblebee represented Nemo. I didn’t know this then, but for sure I know it now. I didn’t ink this because they mattered. I wanted them to matter which is why I inked it. I’d seen the signs coming early on, in terms of what was in store for me. And this was my (stupid) way of trying to bring forth some permanence into what I knew was slipping past me by the minute. Like I said, stupid.

Today I changed that. I got the cherry blossom to cover it up. Here are the three things that it symbolises – new beginnings, renewal, impermanence. The first two are pretty much the positives that go with it and not anything that stirred up anything inside of me. But the third one, not going to lie, did a number on me for a moment there. And here’s why.

If you really think about it, what is permanent in this world? In my world, nothing is. The only thing that I learned is that at some point, everything disappears. Friends, connections, family… and the heaviest one… Love. What I was never able to wrap my head around was the fact that just like that you can love one day and boom it’s gone the next. I mean where is the meaning in that if it just goes away like that? But what I wasn’t able to see, and still learning to be able to see is, that isn’t the question. Anxious attachments look at permanence as safety. Secure attachments look at presence and choice become safety.

So, where my brain is wired to look for signs of permanence, it needs to start looking at signs for presence and choice. But the problem is, that isn’t how it’s been running for the longest time. So when i sat down today, that old version started to think – hey if impermanence is the only truth then what’s happening that guarantees that this wont end? And then my brain started to scan for anything that might make me believe that.

But now that I had a chance to sit with it and think about it. I see it how I am meant to see it. I see you show up for me when I’m broken, happy, scared or horny 😉. And i see you choose to stay even when you have seen the more murkier parts of my life.

So I was able to settle down. But here’s the thing right. There’s a lot I need to unlearn. About life and love. Because I haven’t lost safety, I’ve just lost denial. I see now – you are choosing me today. connection is real now. And all this has stripped away at fantasy and given rise to agency. And that is fucking scary for me, because I’m not used to having agency.

You keep saying such deep and meaningful things to me. Today you said – remember you were happy without me. You were content. And you are absolutely right. I am only happier with you. Before, love felt safe because i believed they wouldn’t leave. Now I need to learn that love has to feel safe because I won’t disappear even if you do.

And of course all of this is scary, because I’m unlearning stuff from decades and it’s all a novel experience for me now. But I think in some way it makes my love stronger. To believe that people will choose not because they pity I will be destroyed if they don’t. But choose because of purely one thing, what you taught me – I am worthy of being chosen.

And just like that.. I entered into my January manifest.

Love Forever And Always,

XOXO,

A