Photo by GEORGE DESIPRIS

I’m trying to remember the exact time when my feelings for Penny came to the foreground, but I don’t think I can isolate a discrete moment which flipped the switch. An inflection point when it wasn’t there versus when it was.

I think it all started with that dream.

She was embarking on her journey of self love and self discovery. She was going to be gone for a few weeks. I was consciously aware of her impending absence. That’s when it happened. In the wee hours on the day before she left. We were in the office, just the two of us. The lacklustre cubicles forming the blurry background. I was seated there on the chair. She appeared before me. Her lustrous hair falling on her shoulders. A tight knit black sweater adorning her torso. Blue jeans with a tear on the right showing her smooth thighs clung to her hips snugly. I turned to face her. She placed her legs on either side of mine and rested herself just over my knees. Her arms enveloped both my shoulders and she looked directly into my eyes. I got distracted for a second by the red strap of her bra playfully peeking. She noticed my attention drift and in a very suave move nudged the strap back to its place in the shadows drawing my attention back to her eyes. Those eyes. The deep soulful eyes that I would eventually fall hopelessly in love with. She whispered “I’m going to miss you”. The harsh sound of my alarm knocked me out of the dream and pulled me back to reality. I lay there staring at the ceiling. My heart pounding. What was that?

The next time it happened I was conscious but I led my mind slide into a reverie. A Sunday afternoon. A flippant breeze toying with the translucent curtain. A dark sofa, on which I was seated in one corner and she in the other. She had on a plain white tee and short red shorts with a white stripe down the side. She was nonchalantly doom scrolling on her phone whimsically chewing on her nails as she did. Her legs gracefully folded, rising purposefully to its apex at the knee then hitting a downward trajectory until they made contact with the sofa. The ethereal skin of her naked thighs glowing in the afternoon sun. Something in her sensed my intrusive admiration and she turned up to look at me and caught me in the act. But her face broke into an instinctive smile glowing radiantly. Happy, content, safe.

That was when I knew I was in love with her. All the times I thought about her my mind always fabricated a pleasant, safe, calm and homely environment. Not to take away anything from the allure of her seductive body. I am sure that had its part to play. But I think as cliched as it might sound, I fell for her soul.

I saw her eyes and in them I saw the reflection of my own pain. The hollowness of a life lived in servitude of others. The scars from wounds that run to the bone. Which we had never fully healed from. The strength that radiated from circumstances which never let us to have a moment to falter. I saw a piece of me in her. And I think its safe to say that she saw a piece of her in me too.

From that day on, I looked forward to one thing and one thing only. I sat there in the corner cubicle. My head rising in anticipation like an inquisitive meerkat every time anyone walked by. And in one of those moments she did. She turned the corner, her tote digging into her left shoulder. Glass of water in her right hand. Her crimson lips still moist from the last sip. Her eyes tired but still having that twinkle of hope met mine and her lips arched gently upward in an inconspicuous way. She’d say just one word – “Hi”. I lived for eternity in that moment. That was the highlight of my day. Everything else in my life bland until that moment. It’s like she unleashed life at me. I could hear laughter and muted conversations. I could smell the earth, freshly cut grass, sweet smell of a billion flowers which decided to all bloom in unison. An explosion of technicolor into my grayscale life. My veins now distributing the warmth that she brought into the deepest abysses in my body. She ignited a fire in my heart. That maybe, things would get better some day.

And then one day, it happened. We had both spent 8 hours on a call working on a tedious task for a thankless despot. We were frustrated and needed to blow off the pent up steam. The team had gathered at a local watering hole to unleash their gluttony like they did every quarter. We decided to join them and partake in the pointless celebration. I sat there sipping the blend of five spirits. My eyes darting to the door in restless anticipation of her arrival. And then, the she traipsed in. Gliding across the floor like a swan as she made her way to the table. She looked beautiful without even trying. She had on a light pink crop sweater that allowed a glimpse of her midriff. The blue jeans again. Flaunting the curves of her hips that blended into her slender thighs ending at her lusty ankles. The night progressed with everyone unaware of the storm inside me. At one point the lights dimmed and the music rose. The scantily populated dance floor now filled with people who had overcome their inhibitions thanks to the alcohol. A dim blue haze lit the dance floor. Our table had trickled to just a the two of us. The other members leaving to return to their mundane lives. I asked her to dance. She obliged.

It was just the two of us amidst a sea of strangers. I spoke to her about the fact that I was leaving. I had found greener pastures. She expressed her dismay. The alcohol coursing deep into my veins now providing my with liquid courage. Our bodies moving in synchrony to the music. I let my hand carelessly glance her hips and make contact with the little skin she was showing. And then I expressed to her the highlight of my day. Describing in vivid detail the singular event that I looked forward to every day. She was spellbound. She held my hand and guided me to a cozy nook behind the dance floor. Our lips locked in a passionate kiss. It was electric. The chemistry was palpable. I don’t think I have ever had a kiss like that with anyone. It literally shot megawatts of electricity into my spine illuminating a portion of my brain that was dormant all this while. We pulled away for a second. Our eyes met. Both of us thinking the same thing – “I know right. How fucking good was that?”

We smiled openly for the first time in decades. That’s when it all began…

Part 3 – Fractured Souls, Healed Hearts