It was a sunny day. I had consumed a scrumptious lunch and walked up to the terrace to have my customary post meal cigarette. Penny and I doted each other that we’d take every opportunity to act like impish teenagers in puppy love. We were making googly eyes at each other on FaceTime and I was ribbing her, making her crinkle her nose. It has to be the epitome of intimacy to revel in those little idiosyncrasies. The ones that are perfectly imperfect. The one’s that you start to notice after the initial awestruck, jaw dropping, breathtaking beauty wears away and you’re seeing them completely yellow.

She excused herself to take another call. I lit up another cigarette. A cold breeze enveloped me and the sun was eclipsed by an abrupt appearance of some clouds. I dove into the packet lighting up like a daisy chain. I had a flutter in my heart. The hair on the back of my neck had started to stand. I was suddenly hyper vigilant and acutely aware of everything in my surroundings. The leaves rustling. There was a sudden silence devoid of anything human. The lone caw of a faraway crow. I felt like a cat on a hot tin roof.

She finally called back. His mother had abruptly fallen ill. Potentially had a cardiac arrest and he was leaving town. I had a sense of relief gush over me, however momentarily. She then announced that she might need to go as well to take care of them both. By this time I was so comfortable with her that I couldn’t mask my emotions. She saw the expression on my face change. I sidestepped the questions twice and on the third attempt I erupted. The angst of her continuing the charade had gotten to me. This was the last straw. The dam burst and I let out all the frustration that I was holding inside. A barrage of thoughts came tumbling out of me. I told he I didn’t want her to leave. I hung up, but not before I cursed the matriarch to oblivion.

Five minutes later, she called me. This time it was her who had let anger consume her. She spat in my face that the Grim Reaper had come to collect his debt. She waited for my reaction but there was none. None of them, none of the world, no one was of consequence to me except her. I don’t think she had ever fathomed the depth of my love for her. I had built my entire future with her in the middle.

She asked me permission to go. When I looked into her eyes, I saw she wanted me to ask her to stay. To absolve her of the accountability of making that decision. To bring forth the wrath that she couldn’t because she just didn’t know that an option existed for her to just leave because she wanted to.

I looked directly into her eyes and asked her to go. While the instant response was fuelled by ego, the reality was that I was too afraid to ask her for what I really wanted. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to never leave. I was tired of everyone leaving. I had only been taught that all love ends in abandonment. I just wanted someone who would stay. All I wanted was plain rice. A staple. That was always there, no matter what. How could I tell her that? I wasn’t ever given a chance to ask what I wanted.

Ego. The one thing that can even shatter empires.

We had shared every bit of ourselves with each other. But I knew that in that moment, I had lost her. She drove away in silence. Every mile on that odometer was a parsec away from me. I watched her go further and further away. I kept staring because a part of me hoped a volte face would change the trajectory of that little blue blip on my screen. It was only when she stopped that I realised that she wouldn’t. No one ever did.

I crushed the butt of the cigarette and watched the light extinguish in the dead of the night and I walked back down to slip into the abyss.

Part 8 – The Macabre Tide